I may not be taking any pictures for a long while.

It's part choice and part a result of the irrational jerk that I am.

I just destroyed my digicam of four fruitful years; a 4 megapixel Kodak CX7430 which was given to me as a gift by my dear mother; the fruit of her hard labor. It was PhP 16,300.00 during the time that she bought it; a time when compact digital cameras were still very expensive. Mabigat sa bulsa, pero she got it for me, so I could place a foot into the world of photography. I didn't ask for much, hindi ko nga akalaing mai-bibili nya ako in time for the e-book I was launching then. When I went into my room to open the box, my eyes were overwhelmed with tears.

Sobrang saya ko, dahil milagro na para sakin ang magkaroon ng digicam na akin lang. Sobrang saya ko because I felt my mom's support for my dreams. But at the same time, I cried because I didn't know how to repay her. (Noon palang, buhay pa ang dad ko, baon na kami sa utang. Pinaiikot nalang ni mama ang perang meron kami, at yung iba, inuutang at hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa nangangalahati sa bayad. Nahirapan kami dahil nawalan ng trabaho ang tatay ko, winaldas ang kinita sa naluging negosyo, namatay, inilibing, at nag-iwan ng maraming problema.) I cried dahil naawa rin ako sa nanay ko na pilit ginagawa lahat ng mag-isa para sa amin. When I held the camera in my hands for the first time, I told my self na aalagaan ko 'yon, at gagamitin ko ng husto para hindi mapunta sa wala ang pinaghirapan ni mama.

Apat na taon kong gamit ang digicam na 'yon. Kasama ko sa mga bakasyon, sa pamamasyal, sa pag-aaral ko ng photography, at nakakahiya man iharap sa mga cliente, ginamit ko rin iyon sa pagkuha ng mga larawang may bayad. Negosyo. I did away with the poor quality the 4 megapixels gave me, diskarte nalang sa good composition and lighting. The camera has witnessed a hundred and more faces, and a thousand stories... It wasn't just a part of my life; it stored my life in moments tucked in pixels and kilobytes.

Last night I threw it more than 17 times at the wall and at the floor.

Until it was rendered useless.

Nagalit ako. Sa aking sarili at sa aking sitwasyon. Kaya ko sinadya 'yon.
Tinatanong ko kung bakit ko sinisira ang tanging bagay na may napakalaking pakinabang sakin...
Pero habang ibinabato ko, mas lumilinaw na kailangan ko na syang sirain. Masakit man.
Iniyak ko nalang habang pinagmamasdan ang aking digicam na unti-unting nawawasak.

Napakasakit.

Mom heard the noise, it woke her up, so she rushed to my room. Immediately she saw the broken camera and asked me what was wrong. But she was about to cry. "Mapapa-ayos pa naman ito kung may sira, ipapa-ayos nalang natin." "No ma, it was perfectly fine, I destroyed it on purpose!" And mama held on to it, seriously hoping it could still be fixed. But it was broken beyond repair... I can't even describe how broken it is. Memories of the night she gave it to me came back... I wanted to apologize to my mom and hug her, but I was just furious at my self. And at the camera too. I loved it so much but now I hate it a thousand times. Goodbye my good camera...

It started the moment I went stupid.

I went online, logged in to my Yahoo! Messenger as usual, and began to click on familiar names… Michael… Aubrey…

The conversations started well. My best friend and I sharing stories about the long day, and Aubrey and I discussing the exhibit we wanted to have with Michael. Aubrey and Michael were talking about it too, in their private windows until we decided to have a joint conference.

We were talking about themes. Of course, you don’t start an exhibit without a solid theme. It was a little hard to think of one word to classify our photographs, because Aubrey, Michael, and I, know our works too well, just enough to know that we had distinct styles from each other. So I motioned for individual themes, and then a main title for the event to unify the three themes.

Michael made a suggestion too. He said that an overall theme could be “hotography”, and that Aubrey will use her DSLR, Michael will use his manual SLR, and I will use my digicam. It was a good direction for us, really. I immediately saw the logic: one artform, three modes of it, in works by three artists. It just works.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to do an exhibit just to show off works taken with a digicam. No matter how finely done. The exhibit was important for each of us in our own reasons. For Aubrey, she’s leaving the country soon and wants to take off with a bang. Heck, she spent the whole day looking for a gallery for us to put our pictures in. It mattered that much to her and I love her for having that kind of drive. For Michael, maybe, a comeback to the scene –with new inspiration –after being dormant for a while. For me, it was to say “I have arrived.”

I was going to borrow Tati’s DSLR, and I had already planned my collection; “Gaps and Holes”, an exploration of depth, dimension, space, and the contrast of light and shadow. Yes, you show your works to people not to please their eyes, but to say you’ve done something with meaning.

So I refused the suggestion.

I also refused the suggestion because it struck me in a bad way. No, nobody intended it to. It was the crazy me.

Michael told me that when he met me then, he thought I made great pictures even with just a digicam. That’s why he made the suggestion. It was a nice complement, but late. My head was already about to blow… My pride told me something else… that I’m typecast as a digicam photo-maker because a digicam is all I truly had. I told you I was crazy.

You see, every day for me is a struggle to prove that I am not just trying to be an artist. To prove that I’m not a wannabe like strangers say I am. (Yeah, why do I listen to strangers?) People have questioned my works and my foundations. Someone even told me that to become a valid artist, you must have started something revolutionary or novel… I wasn’t lucky to have the same education in photography and fine arts that Michael, Aubrey, and the rest of my friends had. I can tell you that everything I know, was either taught by myself, or picked up from my friends and people I know. Every day, I try to learn new forms of expression and new techniques in them. Every day, I look for books and materials to help me nurture my mind and hone my skills. Every day I make it a must to climb a step up.

And I know I have come very far from the days when I can only point and shoot. I know I have expanded beyond the limitations of my beloved digicam. And that growth was what I wanted to show. So the idea of showing pictures taken with a mere, mediocre, non-professional digicam shot my intentions down. It also made me question my true skill. “Was I just as good as my digicam makes me?”

I refused. I refused and Michael said, “I’ll focus on my theme.” So then I wanted to argue my point even more. I wanted my rationale to be clear. And my act irritated Aubrey.

That’s all I am, I am just that…

SELFISH. PROUD. NARROW. STUPID.

And the moment I realized I was really being stupid, I began to have self-hatred.

I OVERREACTED to a suggestion.

The argument turned into a fight between me and my best friend, and now I’m afraid I’ve ruined everything. I’ve pushed him away, I’ve pushed everyone away. And when I destroyed my camera, I destroyed with it, any hope for my self.

I confess…

I have a personality disorder, an attitude problem, and issues that make me a bad person. I’ll be needing help…

I want to change.

I want to become new again.

Even then, nothing will change what I’ve already done.